I'm back, remember me?
So here's the plan: I love writing, and the lack of posts on my blog displeases me.
I've finished my first year of uni with a first (go me ya big nerd) and I have a good month and a bit left of summer.
New blog post once a week until I'm going back to uni? Don't hold me to that but I have so many ideas, or I might just start a new blog that reflects who I am now as a 20 year old? You know less orange and more minimalist white with roses kinda aesthetic.
Thanks for reading and I hope you're all well!
So I’m writing this at 11:31pm, years after my last post and all I can think is wow.
I’m 20 now, a new 20, but 20 all the same. My last blog post was written when I was 17, time just passes so quickly I don’t understand. I was struggling through A Levels, and now I’m working on my degree which I absolutely adore at a university I love.
I powered through the last of my teenage years with the greatly needed help of beta-blockers and a non-anxious presence, with some additional aids from a lit cigarette. Ironically that cigarette is sometimes shared with that friend I used to lecture so frequently about the dangers of smoking. How time changes relationships and mindsets completely baffles me, if 17 year old Jennifer could see me now I hope she’d be proud. I evolved from an anxious, questioning teen into who I was supposed to be, a still sometimes anxious and awkward adult, but one who can hold herself well and not feel the need to hide behind her hair.
An adult who partakes in heedlessness ( I learnt that word from reading old blog posts amazing) but knows I have the sensibility to never take things too far. An adult who still sometimes mumbles away a sentence but can read confidently and speak clearly most of the time if I just remember to slow things down and think before I speak. An adult who although deeply flawed can actually see potential, and has the courage to go places alone and boldly ask questions. An adult that still gets so drunk she throws up, but can scrape together an essay and achieve 90%. An adult who can actually be an adult, and can accept that sometimes being an adult is about realising you’re allowed to fuck up sometimes, and not everything will be perfect, and you’re still learning.
Growing up isn’t something that happens as soon as you move out, it takes time to realise that yes that mug won’t wash itself up, and no you cannot just live on Dominos pizza. For me, being a grown up isn’t about having a perfectly made bed everyday and ensuring you eat 3 square meals a day, it’s about slowly choosing better decisions for you. It’s about being able to take the time out of the day and realise that I need a break, or ordering that takeaway because damn it I’ve worked hard and I deserve a treat.
A common theme I found from reading old posts is that I never really had a goal or aim for these posts, so that’s going to continue. I hope anyone who reads this believes that their younger selves will be proud of the person you are today.
See you soon, maybe.
–Showing a reckless lack of care or attention
Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, we were talking about a predicament she’d got herself into. She said she was being dumb, I said that wasn’t the right word for it, she asked what word I would use to describe what she’d done. Quickly I’d Google searched “doing something without thinking of the consequences” and after reading through a list of synonyms I finally came across the perfect word. Heedless.
Many people are heedless , I’m not sure how many people can relate but I aways find that I worry about other people doing literally the same things I do. It’s almost like I can not bother to care about myself and the consequences that will happen as a direct response to the actions I take, but if someone else smoked, took drugs or skipped meals sometimes I’d lecture them to death. I used to smoke, hiding it from one of my online friends I’d lecture her a lot about how she should never ever smoke, about how I hate smoking and telling her all these statistics about how smoking causes cancer and other life threatening illnesses to prevent her from ever wanting to pick up a cigarette. A few hours later I’d probably be hanging outside my window with a Malboro light.
Many people, including me have the attitude that it won’t happen to them, I won’t get cancer from smoking, I won’t get pregnant, I won’t be addicted. We kid ourselves as we light our 10th cigarette of the day that it’s just because this has been a stressful week, I don’t need it, I can quit tomorrow and not feel a thing. Tomorrow comes and at 5pm you reward yourself with just one as you’ve gone all day without smoking, then again at 7pm. Tomorrow you’ll have your coffee and a cigarette and you’ll kid yourself that you’re not addicted.
Heedlessness is worrying, take a look at what you don’t condone other people doing, and then take a look at yourself.
Similarly to many other internet dwellers I find myself awake at 3am again, and again, and again. It’s just a routine habit I find myself slipping into at every opportunity I get. Even if I’ve been up since 6am I’m able to stay awake with ease until 4am the next day, this as you can imagine has its disadvantages.
Being nocturnal for me is great, it gives me time to concentrate on projects and work, or even just relax on Tumblr or catch up on TV without being disturbed. Sitting out on my shed roof at night with my iPad is one of my favourite things to do, living in a suburban area is so quiet at night with only a few cars passing means that you have ample opportunity to just think, and relax while everyone else is asleep. However thinking more often than not leads to overthinking, falling into a state of “why the fuck am I here?” and “what is the meaning of life?” means that alongside many others find ourselves stuck in what seems to be a permanent, or at least semi-permanent state of existential crisis.
Globalisation has allowed everybody to connect with everyone all over the world, watching shows from different countries and of course the explosion of social media (timezones) means that sleep just isn’t as appealing to me as staying up and watching anime on Netflix (using the all important proxy to allow access to the American site). I’m able to connect with anyone, anywhere, just not irl.
In an ideal world we’d never have to sleep, there could just be a drink, or tablet that would allow anyone to stay awake for days on end without crashing.
I’m not really sure what my main aims of this post was, I’ve not really drawn any conclusions apart from the fact that I dislike sleep, it just takes away a huge chunk of time that would be spent doing anything else, but you’re just stuck sleeping, not actually contributing to anything. Being awake at night is one of my favourite things, it’s just nice. It might just be a teenager thing that I’ll grow out of when I’m in my thirties or I’ll carry on being nocturnal and hating the daylight.
Hi, awkward beginnings are in order!
My name is Jennifer, I live in the south of England which means I sound like the queen, I’m 17 and currently studying for my A-levels while living at home, and I have a part time job. This blog is probably going to be more for my benefit, a place for me to rant about life, school, work, family and to express my opinions about stuff but I would hope you’ll learn from my many, many, many mistakes as an extremely flawed human being, but forgive me if I get a bit deep sometimes (existential crisis anyone?).