So I’m writing this at 11:31pm, years after my last post and all I can think is wow.
I’m 20 now, a new 20, but 20 all the same. My last blog post was written when I was 17, time just passes so quickly I don’t understand. I was struggling through A Levels, and now I’m working on my degree which I absolutely adore at a university I love.
I powered through the last of my teenage years with the greatly needed help of beta-blockers and a non-anxious presence, with some additional aids from a lit cigarette. Ironically that cigarette is sometimes shared with that friend I used to lecture so frequently about the dangers of smoking. How time changes relationships and mindsets completely baffles me, if 17 year old Jennifer could see me now I hope she’d be proud. I evolved from an anxious, questioning teen into who I was supposed to be, a still sometimes anxious and awkward adult, but one who can hold herself well and not feel the need to hide behind her hair.
An adult who partakes in heedlessness ( I learnt that word from reading old blog posts amazing) but knows I have the sensibility to never take things too far. An adult who still sometimes mumbles away a sentence but can read confidently and speak clearly most of the time if I just remember to slow things down and think before I speak. An adult who although deeply flawed can actually see potential, and has the courage to go places alone and boldly ask questions. An adult that still gets so drunk she throws up, but can scrape together an essay and achieve 90%. An adult who can actually be an adult, and can accept that sometimes being an adult is about realising you’re allowed to fuck up sometimes, and not everything will be perfect, and you’re still learning.
Growing up isn’t something that happens as soon as you move out, it takes time to realise that yes that mug won’t wash itself up, and no you cannot just live on Dominos pizza. For me, being a grown up isn’t about having a perfectly made bed everyday and ensuring you eat 3 square meals a day, it’s about slowly choosing better decisions for you. It’s about being able to take the time out of the day and realise that I need a break, or ordering that takeaway because damn it I’ve worked hard and I deserve a treat.
A common theme I found from reading old posts is that I never really had a goal or aim for these posts, so that’s going to continue. I hope anyone who reads this believes that their younger selves will be proud of the person you are today.
See you soon, maybe.